My husband and I were talking the other day about the wonderful, wild ride it is raising three toddlers. We inadvertently began to make an oral list of the things our toddlers do. We later went back and wrote them down. Here are thirty things we’ve learned from our toddlers:
- If someone is talking, simply speak above them. Always be the loudest person in the room.
- Even if someone has the exact same food as you, theirs must be better. Eat their food.
- Not getting to wear a Mickey Mouse pull-up is a completely logical reason to have a mental break down.
- If you see a clean room, it is your job to make it dirty.
- If you have a piece of paper and a crayon, you are obviously supposed to draw on the table, the wall, yourself.
- If told to tell the truth, you should miraculously become unable to speak.
- The cure for self-induced mutism is tattling on a sibling.
- There must never be silence, or even quiet.
- When your parents give you something you asked for, you must scream, cry, and demand the exact opposite of what they have just given you.
- Bed time is stupid.
- Only use the restroom at a restaurant, bedtime, or when no restroom is available.
- Sharing is impossible. Parents should buy two (or three) of everything.
- Getting toys out can be done by the armfuls, but toys can only be put up one at a time.
- You should smile often; except when there’s a camera. In that case, make a face like you just ate a fly.
- Say the words “poop” and “toot” as much as possible. (Boys….)
- Someone sitting in your seat is seen as an invasion of your country. Declare war.
- Upon entering a vehicle, remove your shoes and hide them where they can never be found.
- Chick-fil-a is the only restaurant.
- Personal space does not exist. The closer you are to someone’s face, the better they can hear you. This is especially true for strangers.
- Bed time is like crossing the Sahara. It requires gallons of water.
- Don’t like anything unless it is your idea. Even then, don’t commit to agreeing with it.
- Kisses must be on the mouth accompanied by lots of slobber.
- If someone tries to give you a cup or bowl in a color you did not request, go on a hunger strike. If that doesn’t work, refuse to breath.
- All toys belong to you. Especially new ones.
- Taking a bath is probably the best thing. Ever. Until it is time to take a bath. Then, the water turns to acid.
- If you get water in your eyes while bathing, you will be permanently blinded.
- You can always be freezing to death and burning up. At the same time.
- Mothers control the sun. It is their fault if it gets in your eyes.
- Shoes become invisible when it is time to leave the house. When they magically appear, they are the wrong pair.
- Going to bed is like packing for a grand adventure. You must take every toy and book you own with you. Who knows when you will return?
“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” Psalms 127:4-5a